I Know You're Gone Yet I Feel You Beside Me
by rachel2502
Summary: I wake up every morning and you're beside me. I reach over to feel you and you're real. But then night gives away to a new day, and I'm alone again. And the pattern reappears. I still love you, I still feel you yet I know you're gone.
1. Always Together, Forever Apart

"Nathan, are we there yet?" Haley asked, trying to pry her blindfold off. She wished her husband would tell them where they were going. But he knew how much she loved surprises so he wanted to keep this a surprise as well.

"Not yet, Hales" Nathan said, grinning as he stared at his wife. She looked so beautiful just like she always did. He took his hand off the steering wheel and clasped hers in his. She squeezed his hand and his heart swelled with love for her.

They had been married a year now. People always said that the first year of marriage was the hardest. But for Nathan and Haley, their year of marriage had been a breeze, filled with love for each other. They had known each other all their lives as their parents had been best friends and next door neighbors. Haley had practically been glued to Nathan's hip ever since she was born and getting married to each other was always in their plans ever since they were kids.

Nathan stopped the car and ran towards the other side of the car. He opened the door and Haley waved her arms around, feeling for him. He gently helped her out and she clutched to him, scared that she was going to fall. She slid slightly as she placed her booted feet onto the snowy ground below. He caught her and wrapped his arms around her before turning her around so she was facing the car instead of the 'surprise'.

He leaned his head so he could whisper in her ear.

"Do you remember when we were kids, you always used to say that you wanted to live in a house just like that dollhouse you had?" Nathan murmured into her ear as he held her tightly.

Haley nodded, confused. She could have added two and two together but her husband's warm arms around her seemed to render her incapable of any other thought.

"Well, surprise" he said, as he turned her around so that she was facing the other side. He gently uncovered her blindfold slowly.

Haley gasped. She was standing in front of a beautiful house, her dream house actually. The house was big with a huge backyard and front lawn. The color of the house was the same shade as her old dollhouse, dark orange below and a lighter orange for the above part of the house. Brow shutters covered the big windows and big oak trees were planted all over the lawn, creating a beautiful tropical effect which was a sharp contrast against the white snow that filled the streets and rooftops of the house.

"Naty" she started slowly as she walked toward the house still in awe of the incredible likeness of the house to her old dollhouse. She stopped in the driveway, staring up at the beautiful house.

He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Do you like it?" he asked, squeezing her tightly.

"I love it" she said, breathlessly. She turned around to face him, smiling lovingly at him. "But I still love you more" she teased as she threw her arms around him.

He laughed. "You better". He leaned down to kiss her then he pulled back and said seriously "I love you, Hales". He cupped her chin in his hand. "Always and forever".

They both turned around to face the house and he murmured in her ear "don't say I never gave you anything".

_Years later_

"Mummy! Mummy, wake up" little Amy shouted as she ran into the room as fast as her little fat legs could. She leaped up onto the bed and wrapped her arms around her mother's neck.

"Good morning, baby" Haley smiled as she sat up straight. She yawned and hugged her little four year old daughter. Then she got off the bed just as her seven year old daughter walked in the room.

"Morning, Mummy" Brooke smiled as she hugged her. "When's Dad coming home?" she asked, as she followed her mother into the bathroom. Amy started jumping on the bed vigorously screaming in joy.

"Today, honey" Haley said, reaching for her toothbrush. "It's only an overnight trip" she said, smiling.

"Why weren't we allowed to go?" Amy asked, breathlessly as she continued to jump on the bed.

"It's a business trip, Amy" Brooke said, rolling her eyes at her little sister.

"That's right, Brooke. Now, go get dressed or you'll be late for school. And Amy, get off the bed" Haley said as she rinsed her mouth with water.

Brooke grabbed her sister's hand and dragged her out of the room. Haley smiled at them before getting into the shower. The feel of the hot water on her skin was refreshing and the knots in her shoulders immediately began to relax. Taking care of two kids when their father was busy working proved to be harder than she thought it would. She always thought of her kids as a blessing from God but some days all she wanted to do was to lie back in a warm tub and read a book. The last time she had done that was years ago.

Reminding herself that she had to send the girls to school, she quickly shut the shower off and reached for her bathrobe. She made her way to her bedroom. She smiled as she looked around the room. She had decorated it herself and it was her pride. It was wallpapered green and yellow stripes from the bottom until the middle and above that it was painted yellow. White wicker chairs were placed near the window and huge windows let the sun stream through. The floorboards were wooden as were the lamps around the room.

Haley threw her closet open and grabbed the first pants and T-shirt she could get her hands on. She wore them quickly and picked up her scrunchie, tying her hair up. She barely glanced in the mirror but she noticed her make up case sitting on her dressing table, a layer of dust settled on it. She picked it up tenderly. Her heart sank when she realized how long it had been since she had dressed up to go somewhere.

Nathan never took her out for company dinners anymore. He always told her that only the 'guys' were going and although she was slightly disappointed, she accepted it. Nathan also barely took her out for dinner or a party; and she was used to not waiting up for him. Every other weekend, he stumbled into bed, drunk and all she did was keep her mouth shut because she loved him.

Her eye caught a picture of the two of them on their wedding day. They were both staring into each other's eyes lovingly and they looked like nothing on Earth could tear them apart. But sadly, Haley thought, the only thing that did succeed in tearing them apart was time. God, how she loved him but sometimes she wondered if her still did.

"Mum!" Brooke shouted from downstairs. Haley quickly snapped out of her reverie and rushed downstairs, her thoughts quickly forgotten yet her heart still broken.

"Girls, you forgot your lunch" Haley called after her children. They didn't hear her as they walked to the school's front doors, talking and laughing with their friends. Haley grabbed the lunch boxes and leaped out of the car, walking quickly after them.

"Brooke!" Haley yelled. Brooke whirled around and stared in surprise at her mother. She grinned as she noticed the two lunch boxes in her mother's hands.

"Sorry, Mom" Brooke said, sheepishly. It was a pretty daily occurrence for her to forget her lunch. She grabbed it from her mother and gave her a quick hug before chasing after her friends. Amy lingered a bit longer with her mother.

"What's wrong, honey?" Haley asked, kneeling down in front of her daughter, as she handed Amy her lunch box.

Amy shook her head and wrapped her little arms around her mother's neck. "I love you, Mummy". Then she too ran after her friends, squealing and laughing like the little girl she was.

Haley stood up slowly, touched slightly by her daughter's affection. She smiled at her kids, her heart tightening as she watched them in all their sweetness and vulnerability. Even her husband was lost to her, she was sure she would never lose her precious kids. She loved them nearly as much as she loved him.

"Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you" Peyton said, excited.

Haley cradled the phone and washed her hands in the sink. She grabbed some carrots from the vegetable compartment in her fridge and began peeling them.

"Yeah?" Haley asked through the mouth piece of the receiver.

"This guy at work asked me out last night" Peyton burst out. "He's a bit high class so I was thinking of wearing my red dress, what do you think?"

Haley pictured her best friend's red dress in her mind and contemplated her friend in it. "Nah, I think you should wear your green one".

"You sure?" Peyton said, sounding slightly putdown.

"Definitely" Haley said, confidently.

"Ok" Peyton said, cheerfully. "By the way, how are things with you and Nathan?"

"Same old, same old" Haley sighed as she envied Peyton's single life for a moment. No kids, no husband, no worries.

"That good?" Peyton teased.

Haley laughed weakly. "Actually, we're in a rut. But it doesn't matter. I got to go. Have fun tonight".

"Okay" Peyton hesitated. "I'm sorry about you and Nathan".

"It's okay" Haley lied and she said goodbye and hung up. Wiping away lost tears, she walked away from the phone. She had a good life; she had kids, money and friends. There were too many people in the world suffering from worse things; she didn't need to dwell in self-pity.

She walked to the laundry room, and grabbed the basket of dirty clothes on her way. She stuffed the clothes inside the washing machine and shut the door. As she placed the basket on the floor, she realized that there was an item of clothing still left in the basket. She picked it up and was immediately, her resolution to not feel sorry for herself disappeared.

It was a nightgown. A beautiful expensive silk nightgown from this store from the town she and Nathan had grown up in. She remembered the day he had bought it for her like it was yesterday. It was on their first date.

"_Socks? You got me socks?" Nathan said, with a raised eyebrow._

"_I was playing it safe" Haley defended, color rising to her cheeks. "What'd you get me?" she asked, excited._

_Nathan grinned at her enthusiasm. He handed her the bag and she quickly pulled out the garment of clothing._

_Her mouth fell open slightly as she ran a hand over the silk gown. She slowly raised her head to meet Nathan's eye, like she couldn't believe he bought it for her._

"_Wow, Nathan" she said, shaking her head. "This is really beautiful"._

_Nathan held out his hand. "Not as beautiful as you" he replied, waggling his eyebrows to make her laugh. Haley laughed and reached out to hold on to his hand, promising herself that she would never let go._

Haley held the nightgown to her chest tenderly. Then she threw it into the washing machine, walked away and never looked back.

Haley threw open the oven door. She breathed in the smell of warm apple pie. Grabbing an oven mitt, she quickly pulled the pan out of the oven and placed it on the table. As she waited for the pie, her eye caught the blinking light on the answering machine that indicated that she had a massage. She walked towards the counter where the machine was placed and pressed Play.

"Hey honey" Nathan's voice filled the room. He sounded distracted and the sound of blaring horns in the background could be heard. His voice was earnest though, like he needed to verify something. "I-I meant what I said the other night in front of the girls. And I just wanted you to know that" he cursed in the phone. "I...I got to go, Hales. There's a call waiting on my phone" and with that, he clicked off.

Haley stared at the phone for a moment, confusion crossing her features. He meant what he said the other night? Haley frowned as she tried to recall. She shook her head as if telling herself that she couldn't remember at all. She hesitated before taking the phone and dialing Nathan's hand phone number. She walked out onto the veranda and waited impatiently for him to pick up.

The call went to his voicemail. Without hesitating she said into the phone. "Hey. Just got your message. I-I...uh" she chewed her lip nervously. She ran her hand through her long blond hair. "Call me back when you get this. Bye". No 'I love you', no 'take care'. Just 'bye'.

As Haley walked into the house again, she spotted a flock of ravens flying over her house. A wry smile graced her lips. How she longed to be a bird. To just raise your wings and fly away, get lost in the sky and try and reach the heavens. To be free and alive, with no ties to the land beneath you. Haley breathed in the sweet smell of autumn coming in to a close. She wrapped her arms around herself to keep her warm and turned her face to the sky, her eyes closed.

"Always and forever" she murmured softly, to herself. She half expected the heavens to open up and cry on her. She wished it would; she loved the rain. It was her and Nathan's special thing they shared. It had been raining when she fist realized that she was in love with Nathan. It had been raining when Nathan proposed to her. It had been raining when she said 'yes'. It seems like every special recorded moment in their lives, the heavens had rained down on their love. Like testing it to see how long it'd hold, how long true love would last and she never thought that fire they shared would go out. It seemed like the rain managed to wipe out the only thing that mattered.

The sound of the doorbell ringing brought her out off her reverie. She opened her eyes and blinked, then sped inside the house. "Coming!" she yelled, as she ran towards the front door. _Nathan_ she thought. _It's Nathan. _She couldn't wait to tell him that she would do whatever it took to be those two love-struck teenagers again, the ones who stood in the rain and confessed their love to each other.

The smile that graced her lips disappeared when she swung the door open.

"Oh. Hi, officer" she said, unable to contain her surprise.

The officer gave her a blank look as he put out his hand. He was a solemn looking man, with a bald spot on the top of his head, and white hair growing at the sides. He had a kind look in his eyes but it had a twinge of sadness.

"Hi, are you Mrs. Scott?" he asked, looking down at the notepad he carried in his hand. Haley nodded mutely, wondering what this was about. "I'm Sheriff Reily" he took a deep breathe. "I'm really sorry to inform you, ma'am but.." he paused, for a moment.

Even without having him complete the sentence, she knew. She shook her head, desperately, as if by denying it, it wouldn't come true. "No" she muttered softly, her voice breaking. _Oh God, no. Please no _she prayed hopelessly.

The officer looked at her sadly then said those words that tore her apart. "Your husband was in a car accident yesterday. I'm sorry ma'am but he didn't survive".


	2. Are You My Angel?

The police officer left, taking my dreams and love away. I walked to the kitchen calmly and placed the pie I had baked in the microwave. I made my way slowly to the phone on the wall, and although I hesitated as my eyes riveted on the huge butcher knife in the utensils holder near the sink, I kept walking until I reached the phone.

My mother cried as she heard my news. She asked me if I was okay. I hung up on her.

Glancing at my watch, I realized that it was time to pick up my kids from school. I grabbed my coat off the hook, which proved to be irrelevant because even as I put it on, I thought how the cold would always linger in me.

It wasn't until I noticed my car in the driveway did I tremble. I shut my eyes, willing my hands to stop shivering, that had absolutely nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with the blue eyed dark haired boy I had fallen in love with a million times in my life span. Glancing at the car again, I wondered if I would ever be able to get into one again. I slowly backed up a few steps and after a moment, I turned around and ran towards my house.

I called a friend and she agreed to pick up my children from school in return, she said laughing, for my recipe of blueberry pies. She didn't know, I thought as I listened to her teasing plea for the secret ingredient. She didn't know that my husband was dead. I told her I had to go and once more I said thanks. I didn't realize that the phone was still pressed against my ear till I heard the dial tone, its still lifeless rhythm sounding in my ear and vibrating in the still caverns of my mind that refused to think or feel at that moment. Thinking or feeling seemed impossible because it would mean understanding.

And I didn't _understand. _I didn't understand why he was gone. I didn't understand that I would never awake to his smile in the morning or never sleep to his snores at night. I didn't understand why he left me, what I did to make him leave me in this life, now empty and meaningless, the purpose of it driven out as the words "he didn't survive" were repeated in my mind until it become a chant; a soundtrack to the life I was now to live.

The kids came hometheir faces lit with smiles as they told me how their day was spent. Their faces fell as I told them as gently as I could that Daddy wasn't coming home. They looked at me confused then Amy wrapped her arms around me and laughed saying "Of course he is, Mommy. He's just late".

The tears that hadn't come yet, that I would not allow to come until I could accept the truth seemed on the brink of flowing but I took a deep breath to steady myself.

"No, honey" I said, softly, running my hand through her long hair. "He's not coming".

"I don't know what you mean" she said, biting her lip. "Is he coming tomorrow?"

"Daddy's never coming back" I said, the words stinging me as I uttered them. The words hurt nearly as much as the slap I felt on my face. I touched my cheek, shocked as I stared at Brooke, who was withdrawing her hand from my face She looked at me angrily, the tears streaming down her face and I realized that I underestimated her when I thought that they wouldn't understand death. But staring at Brooke, her eyes glaring at me and her bottom lip trembling, I realized that she did understand. She just didn't want to.

"You shouldn't say stuff like that" she said, still angry. She raised her hand to slap my face again but I blocked her next blow. "You shouldn't say stuff like that" she said again, her face losing the sharp edge and her sobs coming out in short bursts of breaths. She started sobbing, her tiny fists punching every part of my body that she could reach. "Don't...say..." she sobbed as each punch punctuated a new word. "He's...dead". With the last word she sank into my arms sobbing as if her heart would break.

My mother came that night, with two suitcases under her arm and a bag of treats for the kids. She cooked our favorite dishes for dinner, she tucked the girls in and read them a bedtime story, and she telephoned family and friends, making plans for the funeral and cleaned the house from top to bottom. In short, she was an angel.

Angels, I thought as I sat on my back porch, staring up at the dark sky. The beautiful beings in white, flying through the starry skies on pearly wings that lit the hopes of the ones who had lost them. The angels whom glided, sinless and without expectations, trying to save the humans who faulted day in and day out, from losing themselves.

Yet I see no wrong in losingyourself. I wish I could.

Angels, they don't exist. They are inventions of Mankind used to raise the hopes of people or to strike belief in their minds that someone cared about you. That someone wanted you to be happy. _But you are the only one that wants you to be happy. Why should other people care?_ I thought as I hugged my knees to my chest and tried to warm myself. I wrapped Nathan's jacket around me tighter. It smelled of him. I could close my eyes and picture him standing in front of me, wearing his cologne, and adjusting his tie.

The smell was so real. But in a while, it would fade. It would all fade. The memories, my smile, my belief in true love prevailing. I couldn't bear to forget him. It was worse than losing him. I stared at the dark jacket that was wrapped around my body and remembered the many times he covered me with it. I remembered the many times we shared over the years and I remembered how everyday with him was a new day to fall hopelessly in love with him all over again. I remembered his smile but most of all, I remembered our love.

I think I'm wrong about angels. Maybe they are returned souls. Maybe they are the ones we've lost over the years, coming home to us. Maybe they have come to keep an eye on us because dead or alive, invisible to the eye or clear in our hearts, they still care.

'Nathan" I whispered into the silence of the night. "Are you my angel?"

No answer. Was I expecting one? I do not know. But staring at the sky, its vast darkness only illuminated by the glow of the stars, I wondered if I could believe in miracles. Maybe the miracles of true love.

And for the millionth time that day, I wondered the never answered question of sweet love, 'is it worth it?' Is it worth to love someone with all your heart and soul if you just lose them?

I stood up slowly and stretched my legs that fell asleep during the time I had sat on the porch. I made my way down the stairs to the back yard of our house. I walked purposely to the oldest, most beautiful tree in the yard and ran my fingers over the bark. I circled the tree until I found what I was looking for. _Nathan and Haley _engraved onto the bark_. Always and forever. _

And for the first time all day, I sank down to my knees beneath the woody oak tree and wept. The tears came out in floods that never ceased nor hesitated. And just when I thought that I couldn't be more miserable, the rain came and brought with it memories that I had tried to shut out for fear of losing my sanity.

I cried and cried, my body shaking as I held Nathan's jacket around me for support and comfort. And I realized that the police officer didn't just take with him my dreams and love. He took my everything.

"Black or regular?" my mother asked as she withdrew two mugs from the top kitchen cabinet.

I stared, my face blank at a kitchen cabinet opposite me. It was identical to every other cabinet in the room but for some reason my eyes couldn't tear away from it.

"Honey?" my mother said loudly.

I slowly turned to face her. "Huh?" I blinked.

"Coffee?" my mother said patiently, holding up the mugs.

"Oh, yes please. Regular" I said, running my hair through my recently washed hair. It smelled like my shampoo, it smelled just like it always did after I washed it. Come to think of it, the kitchen too smelled the same and looked exactly the way it had this morning. How can the little things stay the same when the big important things…. die?

My mother interrupted my thoughts when she placed two hot mugs of coffee in front of me. I pulled the mug and sipped the hot drink, feeling the warmth slowly creep back into me.

"You always tell me never to drink coffee at night?" I said making light conversation.

"Tonight is an exception" she said, delicately drinking her own coffee.

I looked down, not wanting to get into some big talk on why tonight was an exception.

"Honey? I know this is a bad time but-…" she paused. "We have to make some arrangements. For the funeral".

I sighed, pulling my dressing gown tighter around me. The warmth I had earlier felt now sank to my feet and disappeared to the ground. My teeth chattered slightly as I stood up and walked to the old radiator at the corner. I fixed the dial and pretty soon a wave of hot air rushed out of the machine. The hot air passed me but somehow it didn't make the cold disappear. I shivered as I turned to face my mother once more.

"I can't mum" I said, softly.

"Hon-…" my mom started.

"No" I interrupted. "I can't. Not right now. Tomorrow" I said, confidently.

I paused for a moment before continuing. "In that cabinet, the one on the far right is a tray, a beautiful ceramic tray that Nathan's parents got us as a wedding gift. And it's so high up then I can never get it out of the cabinet by myself. Every time I try, it nearly falls on the ground but Nathan saves it from breaking. Every single time. And now all I can think about is how I can never get that tray out again".

My mother opened her mouth and looked like she wanted to say more but to my relief, she kept silent.

We sat there in the kitchen table for what seemed like hours. Time passed us by as we settled in a comfortable silence. As I stared at my mother, I suddenly realized in horror that we sit down here in this room, bonded by more than just blood. We had more in common now that ever before, I was now a widow just like she had been these past 8 years.

I stared down at her tired hands clasped upon the kitchen table, her eyes aged by more than just years and her wedding band on her finger. Theirs had been an amazing marriage, I knew. But it had lasted much longer than mine, and for that I envied her.

"I'm going to bed, Haley-Bop" she finally said as she stood up and dumped her mug in the sink.

"Goodnight Mum" I said as I watched her walk to the kitchen door. I turned my head and faced the coffee mug in my hands and I thought she had left until I heard her speak.

"Haley?" I looked up. She was standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "Time heals all wounds, honey. Remember that".

"Mum, did you love Dad?" I asked, not meeting her eyes.

"Of course I did Hales" my mother answered, slightly confused.

"If you loved him as much as I loved Nathan, then you would know, Mum" I looked at her in the eye. "That time doesn't really heal this wound" I said, the tears streaking down my face again. I gave up wiping them away; it would be useless as they would always flow.

"I love you, honey" my mother said softly.

I waited until I heard her make her way upstairs before I stood up and made my way to the living room. On top of mantelpiece was our wedding picture. We were sixteen in that picture. Two crazy kids, hopelessly in love. I didn't know if I wanted to hold that picture or break it.

I picked it up and held it close to my heart. Then I lay down on the couch and cried myself softly to sleep as I prayed for the sun's ray to bring my Nathan home.

I awoke hours later to the sound of movement outside my door.

"Mom?" I asked, wearily as I twisted around in the sheets. I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes sleepily. I yawned as I took in the surroundings of my green and yellow bedroom. There was something odd about me waking up in my room but in the tiredness of my mind, I couldn't put a finger on it.

I got up from bed, trying to wonder why my head was pounding so hard. I rubbed my temples as I made my way to my long mirror in the corner. Events of the previous day hit me hard as I walked to the mirror and I stopped short. The phrase 'tomorrow is another day' didn't seem to apply to this. Even in the bright lighting of day, the pain was still as fresh and real.

I continued to walk in a daze to the mirror and stood in front of it, not really acknowledging my surroundings. When I finally came to, I realized that there was a long blanket covering the mirror. My eyes narrowed as I tried to remember why I had covered the mirror. I swung around to face my dressing table mirror to find that that too was covered with bedcovers.

Brushing away my confusion, I walked out of the room, grabbing my robe as I did. As I stepped into the hallway and wrapped my robe around me, I noticed that every mirror in the hallway was covered with either blankets or bedcover. Maybe my mother was trying some feng shui to get rid of the negativity in the house.

"Mom?" I called again. I walked to the guest room where she had moved in yesterday. "Why is there-…?" I stopped short when I realized that the room was empty. The bed was neatly made and untouched; the whole room looked untouched and bare and I couldn't see my mother's big suitcase anywhere.

I didn't get a chance to ponder on this because just then, I heard noises coming from downstairs. I backed out of them room and made my way to the staircase. As I walked down, my mind was blank; this was too much to comprehend so early in the day.

My feet made no sound as it touched the steps one at a time. The whole house seemed eerily silent except for a few noises here and then. I grabbed the banister tightly as I tried to control myself. _Something was wrong._ Something was very wrong, I just knew it. My heart started pounding uncontrollably. I nearly stopped walking but I had to know if it was true.

Because I have heard those same sounds every day for the last ten years. But to hear those sounds today…to come down these stairs…I couldn't breathe. _Something's terribly wrong. What do I do?! _The stairs seemed to drag on down forever. The sound were getting louder, the familiar echo of the newscaster talking on the small television placed on the kitchen counter, the recognizable clanking noise of the coffee mug hitting the saucer and the humming… The humming was what scared me. It was his favorite tune.

I held my breath and reached the ground floor with one final step. I couldn't look up yet. I needed air…it can't be true…it's impossible…just a few feet away from me sat like a spotlight from heaven shining on it was that familiar gold buckled black suitcase.

The hair stood on my arm. I felt someone staring at me from behind and I started trembling. I swung around and nearly screamed.

Nathan Scott stood at the kitchen counter, drinking his morning coffee…alive.


End file.
